1 00:00:07,011 --> 00:00:09,472 [♪ whimsical music playing] 2 00:00:09,555 --> 00:00:10,765 I've been calling and calling, 3 00:00:10,932 --> 00:00:12,517 and Tristan still won't respond to me. 4 00:00:12,683 --> 00:00:14,977 So I'm sending my child in to talk to her for me. 5 00:00:15,770 --> 00:00:18,481 I know. It's like all my guardrails are gone. 6 00:00:18,564 --> 00:00:20,566 -[indistinct chatter] -Ooh, ooh. 7 00:00:24,028 --> 00:00:25,488 [♪ music concludes] 8 00:00:26,113 --> 00:00:27,448 She doesn't want to talk to you. 9 00:00:27,615 --> 00:00:29,992 That's all she said? You were in there for a half hour. 10 00:00:30,159 --> 00:00:31,619 She likes talking to me. 11 00:00:31,786 --> 00:00:34,247 Did you tell her she can call me any time, or text me, 12 00:00:34,330 --> 00:00:35,831 or come over? That I'll do 13 00:00:35,915 --> 00:00:37,458 whatever she asks to make it better? 14 00:00:37,583 --> 00:00:39,293 Yeah, I said you were a desperate lunatic. 15 00:00:39,377 --> 00:00:40,753 -Did she like that? -Dad. 16 00:00:40,962 --> 00:00:42,171 Tell me exactly what she said. 17 00:00:42,296 --> 00:00:43,881 She wants you to deal with this mess you made. 18 00:00:44,131 --> 00:00:45,258 So do I. 19 00:00:45,424 --> 00:00:48,177 Their anniversary is tomorrow. We can still go. 20 00:00:48,761 --> 00:00:50,471 Then we can both be in your family. 21 00:00:51,639 --> 00:00:53,307 [all chuckle] 22 00:00:53,391 --> 00:00:54,433 I can't remember a nicer Christmas. 23 00:00:54,517 --> 00:00:56,811 -[Kelly] This is so nice! -I love all my presents. 24 00:00:57,186 --> 00:00:58,396 -[indistinct chatter] -That's great! 25 00:00:58,604 --> 00:01:00,982 Reese, the amazing dinner you made, 26 00:01:01,065 --> 00:01:03,568 cleaning everything by yourself, all your presents, 27 00:01:03,693 --> 00:01:05,111 so thoughtful and generous. 28 00:01:05,194 --> 00:01:06,821 You really made this the best Christmas 29 00:01:06,904 --> 00:01:08,322 -we've ever had. -Oh. 30 00:01:08,447 --> 00:01:10,533 So, I'm the reason every other Christmas was crap? 31 00:01:10,616 --> 00:01:13,035 -Huh? N... No, I-- -Yes, Reese, you're the reason 32 00:01:13,119 --> 00:01:14,745 why every other Christmas was crap. 33 00:01:14,829 --> 00:01:17,290 Well, look who blames everyone but himself, as usual. 34 00:01:17,373 --> 00:01:18,958 Hey, you can't criticize anyone. 35 00:01:19,041 --> 00:01:20,835 Nice drugstore perfume, Richie Rich. 36 00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:23,462 Better than "a donation was made in your name." 37 00:01:23,588 --> 00:01:25,006 How am I supposed to turn that in for cash? 38 00:01:25,089 --> 00:01:27,550 [Francis] Well, at least we spelled your name right on the card, you moron. 39 00:01:27,675 --> 00:01:29,385 Who gives black socks at Christmas? 40 00:01:29,468 --> 00:01:31,137 Why did you have to ruin this? 41 00:01:31,262 --> 00:01:33,806 Thanks for dragging me here. Now, I hate Christmas! 42 00:01:33,889 --> 00:01:35,016 [overlapping chatter] 43 00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:38,311 No. Not possible. You don't understand. 44 00:01:38,394 --> 00:01:40,354 I'm protecting the people that I love 45 00:01:41,230 --> 00:01:42,273 from the people that I love. 46 00:01:43,524 --> 00:01:46,360 Listen, it was unfair of me to make you my go-between. 47 00:01:46,444 --> 00:01:48,696 No child should be burdened with this kind of thing. 48 00:01:49,447 --> 00:01:52,033 -We agree on one thing. -What have I done? 49 00:01:52,116 --> 00:01:55,036 No! She's the one! [cries] 50 00:01:55,161 --> 00:01:57,288 Leah, never fall in love with someone 51 00:01:57,371 --> 00:01:58,539 that's better than you, okay? 52 00:01:58,623 --> 00:01:59,665 You'll just end up disappointing them 53 00:01:59,749 --> 00:02:05,379 and disgusting yourself! Idiot! Idiot! No! [cries] 54 00:02:05,463 --> 00:02:06,964 -I feel like if I comfort him... -[Malcolm] Idiot! 55 00:02:07,048 --> 00:02:09,634 -... he'll keep going. -[Malcolm] Idiot! Idiot! 56 00:02:09,717 --> 00:02:11,302 Tristan! I'm so-- 57 00:02:12,428 --> 00:02:16,974 {\an8}♪ Life is unfair ♪ 58 00:02:17,224 --> 00:02:22,563 -[♪ whimsical music playing] -[sighs] 59 00:02:26,150 --> 00:02:27,276 What a rip. 60 00:02:28,611 --> 00:02:29,695 Hmm. 61 00:02:32,198 --> 00:02:33,991 Oh, hello. 62 00:02:35,201 --> 00:02:40,456 -Oh. -[♪ whimsical music playing] 63 00:02:42,958 --> 00:02:46,087 [grunts] Okay, be that way. 64 00:02:50,091 --> 00:02:53,928 [♪ upbeat music playing] 65 00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:56,764 {\an8}Mom, Reese finally worked up the courage 66 00:02:56,889 --> 00:02:59,266 {\an8}to come out of hiding and face your righteous anger. 67 00:02:59,392 --> 00:03:00,518 {\an8}She's out shopping all day. 68 00:03:00,601 --> 00:03:03,104 {\an8}I hid under her car until she drove off. [chuckles] 69 00:03:03,729 --> 00:03:05,314 {\an8}-What do you want? -Revenge. 70 00:03:05,398 --> 00:03:06,524 {\an8}What did I do? 71 00:03:06,691 --> 00:03:09,944 {\an8}You found out what I did. Do you know what this is? 72 00:03:10,695 --> 00:03:13,739 {\an8}-A completely trashed room. -Do you know what room? 73 00:03:13,823 --> 00:03:15,533 {\an8}-No. -Because you're a goody-goody 74 00:03:15,616 --> 00:03:16,909 {\an8}and you've never been there. 75 00:03:16,992 --> 00:03:19,120 {\an8}It's your principal's office. You trashed it. 76 00:03:19,286 --> 00:03:21,580 {\an8}-What? -As a protest over the slow pace 77 00:03:21,664 --> 00:03:23,833 {\an8}of progress on diversity and inclusion. 78 00:03:23,916 --> 00:03:25,584 {\an8}What'd you do? Leave a note saying, 79 00:03:25,668 --> 00:03:27,670 {\an8}-"I did it. Love, Kelly." -[Reese] Oh, please. 80 00:03:27,795 --> 00:03:30,131 {\an8}I went pro 20 years before you were born. 81 00:03:30,256 --> 00:03:31,257 {\an8}It's easy. 82 00:03:31,507 --> 00:03:33,426 {\an8}Copy your handwriting just well enough 83 00:03:33,509 --> 00:03:35,594 {\an8}to look like it's you trying to disguise it. 84 00:03:35,886 --> 00:03:38,514 {\an8}Scrape your social media for characteristic phrasing. 85 00:03:38,931 --> 00:03:41,225 {\an8}"There's no activism without transgression." 86 00:03:41,350 --> 00:03:43,561 {\an8}-You gave me that! -[gasps] 87 00:03:43,769 --> 00:03:45,483 {\an8}See what I did to the picture of his baby? 88 00:03:45,583 --> 00:03:46,939 {\an8}That's gonna focus some feelings. 89 00:03:47,398 --> 00:03:48,649 {\an8}What is wrong with you? 90 00:03:48,774 --> 00:03:51,193 {\an8}You'll never know. The court sealed that report. 91 00:03:52,153 --> 00:03:53,404 {\an8}[♪ music concludes] 92 00:03:53,487 --> 00:03:58,242 [gags] I'm coming, Momma! 93 00:03:58,409 --> 00:04:03,456 Must untangle umbilical cord! 94 00:04:04,540 --> 00:04:08,002 [pants] I see light! 95 00:04:08,085 --> 00:04:09,253 I could take the squirming 96 00:04:09,336 --> 00:04:11,255 if I didn't have to see his hangy stuff. 97 00:04:11,338 --> 00:04:16,594 [grunts] Oh! [whimpers] 98 00:04:16,844 --> 00:04:23,601 [screams] I made it, Momma! Hello, world! [laughs] 99 00:04:23,726 --> 00:04:30,024 [wailing] 100 00:04:30,107 --> 00:04:34,153 My, my. What a big, strong voice. 101 00:04:36,781 --> 00:04:40,326 Hello there. I'm Hal. 102 00:04:42,119 --> 00:04:45,247 -[sighs] -How you feeling? 103 00:04:45,748 --> 00:04:47,833 Hot and dizzy and nauseous. 104 00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:49,543 I called my mom and she said 105 00:04:49,627 --> 00:04:51,086 she felt like this every day for nine months 106 00:04:51,170 --> 00:04:52,713 and that's why she never liked me. 107 00:04:52,838 --> 00:04:55,049 I've been thinking a lot about my mom's list. 108 00:04:55,174 --> 00:04:57,802 -Oh, jeez. -No, it's good. I realized 109 00:04:57,885 --> 00:04:59,345 I haven't been fair to her. 110 00:04:59,512 --> 00:05:00,930 She's got Dad to deal with, 111 00:05:01,013 --> 00:05:02,640 Malcolm and Reese are giant assholes. 112 00:05:02,723 --> 00:05:04,225 She's older now. 113 00:05:04,308 --> 00:05:06,435 She doesn't feed on the chaos like she used to. 114 00:05:07,019 --> 00:05:10,231 Wow. I'm so proud of you. 115 00:05:10,523 --> 00:05:13,025 You've matured just in time to be a dad. 116 00:05:13,150 --> 00:05:15,110 Anyway, she's freaking out about the money 117 00:05:15,194 --> 00:05:16,487 she's spending at the party, 118 00:05:16,570 --> 00:05:18,739 so I was thinking we're doing okay. 119 00:05:18,948 --> 00:05:21,033 We could help out. Maybe our present 120 00:05:21,116 --> 00:05:23,285 is that we kick in a thousand dollars toward the party. 121 00:05:23,410 --> 00:05:27,039 I think that's nice. Wait a minute. 122 00:05:27,206 --> 00:05:28,541 You're just trying to move up her list. 123 00:05:28,707 --> 00:05:29,917 One spot. 124 00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:31,168 We're having a damn baby. 125 00:05:31,252 --> 00:05:32,628 How is that not at least top seven? 126 00:05:32,753 --> 00:05:34,713 Yes, we're having a damn baby. 127 00:05:34,839 --> 00:05:37,258 How can you still be so fixated on your mother? 128 00:05:37,424 --> 00:05:39,218 Because it's making me nuts! 129 00:05:39,426 --> 00:05:40,761 Since the day I was born, 130 00:05:40,845 --> 00:05:42,513 I've always been her biggest problem. 131 00:05:42,638 --> 00:05:44,765 The first-grade fires, the summer camp riots, 132 00:05:44,849 --> 00:05:46,308 the freshman plea deal. 133 00:05:46,392 --> 00:05:49,854 She nearly went completely bald from the stress I was causing. 134 00:05:51,021 --> 00:05:54,567 -I don't know. I got used to it. -And even recognizing 135 00:05:54,650 --> 00:05:56,527 how futile and self-destructive it is, 136 00:05:56,610 --> 00:05:58,696 you're still gonna embrace this insanity? 137 00:05:59,321 --> 00:06:02,992 Yes, you get it! Love you. 138 00:06:05,244 --> 00:06:06,370 [sighs] 139 00:06:06,453 --> 00:06:09,623 Oh, my God, you said that? You're so brave. 140 00:06:09,748 --> 00:06:12,459 {\an8}Yeah, you know I don't care what those guys think. 141 00:06:13,919 --> 00:06:16,046 {\an8}You gotta float above it. That's what I do. 142 00:06:17,298 --> 00:06:18,382 It's easy when you're pretty. 143 00:06:19,633 --> 00:06:22,636 {\an8}I don't know. I think everyone has stuff they worry about. 144 00:06:24,230 --> 00:06:27,296 Is the cafeteria doing burgers or stir fry on Monday? 145 00:06:28,309 --> 00:06:31,020 {\an8}Stir fry. Monday's always stir fry. 146 00:06:32,187 --> 00:06:34,148 I knew I'd be good at flirting. 147 00:06:34,773 --> 00:06:35,983 -[knocking at the door] -Come in! 148 00:06:37,985 --> 00:06:39,278 [chuckles softly] Hi, honey. 149 00:06:39,528 --> 00:06:42,156 Sorry again about this morning, but I want you to know 150 00:06:42,323 --> 00:06:44,074 I've done some hard introspection, 151 00:06:44,158 --> 00:06:45,367 and I'm in a calmer place now. 152 00:06:45,910 --> 00:06:47,703 -Okay. -I mean, I'm still heartbroken. 153 00:06:47,786 --> 00:06:50,873 But I accept that it is over between Tristan and me. 154 00:06:50,956 --> 00:06:52,416 So now I'm sad. 155 00:06:52,750 --> 00:06:55,920 But it's a healthy kind of sad that I can work to get past 156 00:06:56,003 --> 00:06:59,006 by focusing on the good things in my life, like you. 157 00:06:59,465 --> 00:07:01,383 I'm going to focus more on you. 158 00:07:01,467 --> 00:07:04,094 -I'm actually fine with w-- -I know it's the last thing 159 00:07:04,219 --> 00:07:06,263 a kid your age wants is more time with Daddy. 160 00:07:06,347 --> 00:07:07,389 But I had a great idea. 161 00:07:07,473 --> 00:07:09,558 Do you remember Old School Manny's? 162 00:07:09,642 --> 00:07:11,268 -Yes. -It's still open. 163 00:07:11,352 --> 00:07:13,187 -We haven't been there in years. -Oh, I love that place. 164 00:07:13,312 --> 00:07:14,980 -Me too. -The fries were amazing. 165 00:07:15,064 --> 00:07:17,691 -They were disgusting. -No! Really? 166 00:07:17,816 --> 00:07:19,693 Everything about that place was disgusting. 167 00:07:19,777 --> 00:07:21,612 There was cockroaches in the bathroom. 168 00:07:21,695 --> 00:07:22,905 The video games were sticky. 169 00:07:23,030 --> 00:07:25,032 One time, I got a Band-Aid in my sandwich. 170 00:07:25,115 --> 00:07:26,992 I don't remember it like that. 171 00:07:27,326 --> 00:07:28,911 Because you were little, and it was our place. 172 00:07:29,036 --> 00:07:31,872 We talked about school and your dreams and... 173 00:07:32,039 --> 00:07:33,749 Why Mom left if she loved me so much. 174 00:07:33,916 --> 00:07:35,876 Yeah, I never had a great answer for that one. 175 00:07:36,168 --> 00:07:38,462 But let's go to dinner tonight. Me and you. 176 00:07:38,754 --> 00:07:40,297 All right? They still have Zombie Massacre III. 177 00:07:40,381 --> 00:07:42,257 We can play, and tomorrow, we'll compare nightmares. 178 00:07:42,341 --> 00:07:43,550 That sounds great. 179 00:07:43,634 --> 00:07:44,843 I'm really looking forward to it. 180 00:07:45,844 --> 00:07:49,765 [♪ whimsical music playing] 181 00:07:49,890 --> 00:07:51,600 You can go back to talking to that boy. 182 00:07:54,061 --> 00:07:55,354 Can't wait. 183 00:07:57,856 --> 00:07:58,941 [Kelly] You look nice and comfy. 184 00:08:00,359 --> 00:08:01,652 I assume you're here to beg for mercy? 185 00:08:01,819 --> 00:08:04,780 No. Actually, I'm here to thank you. 186 00:08:05,823 --> 00:08:07,908 This whole thing has been a real learning experience. 187 00:08:08,742 --> 00:08:09,952 I learned what you're capable of. 188 00:08:10,369 --> 00:08:12,329 I learned that the desire for revenge 189 00:08:12,413 --> 00:08:13,831 can go way too far and hurt someone. 190 00:08:14,832 --> 00:08:16,166 I learned I'm comfortable with that. 191 00:08:16,875 --> 00:08:20,963 I learned your social security number is 987654327. 192 00:08:21,130 --> 00:08:23,841 I learned how to contact the IRS anonymous tip line 193 00:08:23,924 --> 00:08:26,135 about unreported video income. 194 00:08:26,677 --> 00:08:30,139 [scoffs] I don't have unreported income. 195 00:08:31,015 --> 00:08:32,266 Then you'll be fine. 196 00:08:33,017 --> 00:08:35,310 The IRS isn't going to listen to a stupid teenager. 197 00:08:35,561 --> 00:08:37,771 I worried about that too. But Agent Miller said 198 00:08:37,855 --> 00:08:40,024 the national debt is 35 trillion dollars 199 00:08:40,107 --> 00:08:41,525 and they'll listen to anybody. 200 00:08:43,444 --> 00:08:45,487 O... Okay, you've won. 201 00:08:47,656 --> 00:08:49,491 I've done this a long time, so I know. 202 00:08:49,616 --> 00:08:50,617 Hmm. 203 00:08:50,701 --> 00:08:52,286 At this point, any revenge I try 204 00:08:52,369 --> 00:08:53,704 is not just going to be pointless. 205 00:08:53,829 --> 00:08:55,998 It's also going to blow back and hurt me. 206 00:08:57,499 --> 00:09:00,169 And somehow, I'm still looking forward to doing it. 207 00:09:01,378 --> 00:09:03,464 I keep looking at this font. I can't decide. 208 00:09:03,547 --> 00:09:06,675 Is this celebratory, romantic, or is this just cliched? 209 00:09:06,759 --> 00:09:08,844 I'm running out of time. What do you think? 210 00:09:08,927 --> 00:09:11,096 I think I clock out in five minutes. 211 00:09:11,180 --> 00:09:12,848 Ten seconds later, I won't remember this interaction. 212 00:09:12,931 --> 00:09:14,725 Yeah, you're right. It's cliched. 213 00:09:14,933 --> 00:09:17,770 Hi, Abe. I have been calling Hal all day, 214 00:09:17,895 --> 00:09:19,188 and he's not answering. Where are you guys? 215 00:09:19,271 --> 00:09:20,564 -Lois, yes, yes. -[Hal groaning] 216 00:09:20,647 --> 00:09:21,815 Lovely to hear from you. 217 00:09:21,899 --> 00:09:23,150 All ready for your party tomorrow? 218 00:09:23,233 --> 00:09:26,904 No, because I need Hal's help. Where is he? Where are you guys? 219 00:09:26,987 --> 00:09:29,323 I can hear the excitement in your voice. 220 00:09:29,406 --> 00:09:30,991 We are all looking forward to it. 221 00:09:31,075 --> 00:09:32,201 -Abe! -[Abe] Yes, 222 00:09:32,284 --> 00:09:33,911 we're just finishing up our haircuts. 223 00:09:33,994 --> 00:09:36,538 It's taking much longer than we thought. 224 00:09:36,622 --> 00:09:39,249 Mario is being overly precise. 225 00:09:39,333 --> 00:09:43,045 [imitates radio static] Oops! We're heading into a tunnel. 226 00:09:43,128 --> 00:09:48,133 -[Hal speaking indistinctly] -Barbershop... tunnel. 227 00:09:49,635 --> 00:09:51,220 [groans] 228 00:09:51,386 --> 00:09:54,556 I don't understand how you look exactly like me 229 00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:56,642 and so much better than me. 230 00:09:56,725 --> 00:09:59,561 Even your socks. I'll never have socks like that. 231 00:09:59,728 --> 00:10:03,774 Hal, you have everything I have. I'm you. 232 00:10:03,857 --> 00:10:07,778 -[scoffs] Come on. -[both chuckle] 233 00:10:07,861 --> 00:10:10,322 I'm enjoying this, but we are here to work. 234 00:10:10,656 --> 00:10:14,076 Can you tell me about Hal? 235 00:10:15,994 --> 00:10:18,330 From the moment I had any self-awareness, 236 00:10:18,455 --> 00:10:20,624 I have been gripped by a pervasive fear. 237 00:10:20,707 --> 00:10:23,127 Fear has been my constant companion, 238 00:10:23,293 --> 00:10:25,295 not as a condition or an abstraction, 239 00:10:25,379 --> 00:10:27,506 but something tangible, embodied. 240 00:10:29,466 --> 00:10:33,387 Interesting. Please, go on. 241 00:10:33,595 --> 00:10:37,975 Like when I was seven, and our whole house shook 242 00:10:38,142 --> 00:10:41,353 and heaved with the weight of my father's broken dreams. 243 00:10:41,854 --> 00:10:44,857 Fear was already there, almost like a big brother. 244 00:10:44,940 --> 00:10:47,109 -Your fear? -[teen Hal] Yeah, my fear. 245 00:10:47,276 --> 00:10:49,736 Fear taught me things I needed in life. 246 00:10:49,820 --> 00:10:51,071 Always say yes, 247 00:10:51,155 --> 00:10:53,115 because you'll probably never get another chance. 248 00:10:53,490 --> 00:10:56,285 And to never let go of what you've got, 249 00:10:56,493 --> 00:11:00,164 because anything can be taken away from you like that. 250 00:11:00,664 --> 00:11:04,501 That sounds like such a hard way to live, Hal. 251 00:11:04,626 --> 00:11:07,254 Oh, you bet. Fear made it hard sometimes. 252 00:11:07,504 --> 00:11:08,922 But I don't think I would have gotten 253 00:11:09,047 --> 00:11:12,301 anywhere in life without his vigilance. Right? 254 00:11:12,801 --> 00:11:18,807 Right. Anything worth doing is worth doing in a cold sweat. 255 00:11:19,391 --> 00:11:22,144 See? A tough lesson delivered with kindness. 256 00:11:22,227 --> 00:11:23,729 -Ah. -Thanks, man. 257 00:11:25,063 --> 00:11:27,733 -He reminds me of someone. -Trent Reznor. 258 00:11:27,858 --> 00:11:30,819 Ah, yes! [chuckles] Thank you. 259 00:11:31,612 --> 00:11:34,031 Let's move on. I think we're getting somewhere. 260 00:11:34,823 --> 00:11:38,410 I... I used to think that taking care of my kids 261 00:11:38,577 --> 00:11:40,037 was my purpose. 262 00:11:40,204 --> 00:11:42,873 The best, most important thing I could ever do. 263 00:11:43,707 --> 00:11:47,002 [chuckles] You know, it really swallows up 264 00:11:47,085 --> 00:11:50,464 every bit of your attention and concern, 265 00:11:50,547 --> 00:11:53,926 and plans for the future. 266 00:11:55,677 --> 00:11:56,970 And? 267 00:12:00,057 --> 00:12:04,978 And, uh, as every kid grew up and moved out, 268 00:12:06,396 --> 00:12:09,691 I had more and more bandwidth, and... 269 00:12:11,276 --> 00:12:14,321 I... I finally realized... 270 00:12:16,573 --> 00:12:18,659 they didn't need me anymore. 271 00:12:20,994 --> 00:12:24,122 So, no meaning... 272 00:12:25,499 --> 00:12:26,625 no purpose. 273 00:12:27,793 --> 00:12:32,839 I... [sniffles] I'm nothing. 274 00:12:37,052 --> 00:12:42,432 Hal, you've been so focused on your family's needs, 275 00:12:43,392 --> 00:12:45,143 you never thought about your own. 276 00:12:45,978 --> 00:12:48,605 Your inner resources are depleted 277 00:12:49,356 --> 00:12:51,233 because you've never nourished them. 278 00:12:52,234 --> 00:12:55,320 I haven't thought about it like that. 279 00:12:55,696 --> 00:12:58,407 Hal, the key to this 280 00:12:59,199 --> 00:13:01,910 is what they always tell you on airplanes. 281 00:13:03,036 --> 00:13:05,789 You have to put your own mask... 282 00:13:07,165 --> 00:13:08,458 on first. 283 00:13:11,253 --> 00:13:12,462 Whoa! 284 00:13:12,838 --> 00:13:16,883 [♪ upbeat music playing] 285 00:13:17,342 --> 00:13:19,720 Hey, Piama and I can see 286 00:13:19,803 --> 00:13:21,513 how stressed you are about the party, 287 00:13:21,596 --> 00:13:24,433 but we both think an achievement like 40 years of marriage 288 00:13:24,516 --> 00:13:25,726 needs to be celebrated, 289 00:13:25,809 --> 00:13:28,228 so we're giving you a thousand bucks toward it. 290 00:13:28,395 --> 00:13:31,273 [gasps] Thanks. 291 00:13:35,569 --> 00:13:37,696 Hi, this is Lois. 292 00:13:37,863 --> 00:13:39,489 Is that upgrade to the sound system 293 00:13:39,573 --> 00:13:42,284 still available? Fifteen hundred dollars, right? 294 00:13:42,409 --> 00:13:43,618 Let's do it. 295 00:13:44,536 --> 00:13:47,372 No. I gave you that to help your money problems. 296 00:13:47,456 --> 00:13:48,457 You're not supposed to put yourself 297 00:13:48,540 --> 00:13:49,916 another five hundred in the hole. 298 00:13:50,083 --> 00:13:52,586 I have to spend what I need to make this the way I want. 299 00:13:52,669 --> 00:13:54,880 And you need to stop obsessing about the list. 300 00:13:54,963 --> 00:13:57,007 -It's only a number. -Then move me up one. 301 00:13:57,090 --> 00:13:58,425 That's not how the list works. 302 00:13:58,508 --> 00:14:01,094 You're only doing this because you get some sort of sick thrill 303 00:14:01,178 --> 00:14:03,013 out of making me feel small. 304 00:14:03,096 --> 00:14:05,140 That's it. I am done. 305 00:14:05,223 --> 00:14:06,558 You need to get a grip on yourself 306 00:14:06,641 --> 00:14:07,726 because I am not going to indulge 307 00:14:07,809 --> 00:14:09,644 in this stupidity anymore. 308 00:14:09,936 --> 00:14:11,063 What's that? 309 00:14:11,146 --> 00:14:13,523 It's just more party stuff like all the other party stuff. 310 00:14:14,649 --> 00:14:15,692 Huh. 311 00:14:18,737 --> 00:14:21,573 Do not make a thing about this. 312 00:14:21,656 --> 00:14:25,494 Booties? Little bunny booties? 313 00:14:26,203 --> 00:14:28,121 Little bunny baby booties 314 00:14:28,205 --> 00:14:30,999 for your widdle bunny baby grandchild? 315 00:14:31,083 --> 00:14:32,584 They were on sale, and I can return them. 316 00:14:32,667 --> 00:14:35,003 -I knew it was important to you. -Go away! 317 00:14:35,087 --> 00:14:38,507 What's my number now, Mom? What's my number now? 318 00:14:39,716 --> 00:14:43,303 So decapitation is back, back, up, high kick, forward, down? 319 00:14:43,637 --> 00:14:46,014 No, that pulls their hearts out and stuffs it in their throats. 320 00:14:46,098 --> 00:14:47,140 -Hmm. -[chuckles] 321 00:14:47,224 --> 00:14:49,893 You know, if you want, we can go somewhere decent instead. 322 00:14:49,976 --> 00:14:51,353 I don't care. 323 00:14:51,436 --> 00:14:54,064 Anywhere I go with you is the best place in the world. 324 00:14:55,357 --> 00:14:59,486 Dad, quit it. Can you get my bag from the back? 325 00:14:59,569 --> 00:15:00,737 Sure. 326 00:15:02,364 --> 00:15:03,657 [♪ upbeat music playing] 327 00:15:03,782 --> 00:15:06,326 [grunts] What the hell? Ow! 328 00:15:06,493 --> 00:15:08,120 What are you doing-- Oh! 329 00:15:08,286 --> 00:15:10,205 -[whimpers] -[grunts] 330 00:15:10,330 --> 00:15:11,688 -Ow! Ow! Ow! -[grunts] 331 00:15:11,790 --> 00:15:13,417 [Malcolm] Why would you do this to me? 332 00:15:13,500 --> 00:15:15,669 [both grunt] 333 00:15:16,294 --> 00:15:18,088 [♪ music continues] 334 00:15:19,256 --> 00:15:22,759 [Malcolm groans] 335 00:15:26,763 --> 00:15:27,931 [♪ music concludes] 336 00:15:28,014 --> 00:15:29,307 I can't believe how much 337 00:15:29,391 --> 00:15:32,144 I've learned from you already, Perfect Hal. 338 00:15:32,352 --> 00:15:33,854 I wish I was you. 339 00:15:33,937 --> 00:15:36,231 You still don't get it, Regular Hal. 340 00:15:36,356 --> 00:15:39,359 I'm the you inside you. 341 00:15:39,443 --> 00:15:42,779 You have to start taking care of your own needs. 342 00:15:42,863 --> 00:15:47,534 Create space for the best Hal to grow and thrive. 343 00:15:48,452 --> 00:15:50,787 You have to let go of the people holding you back. 344 00:15:51,580 --> 00:15:52,706 People? 345 00:15:52,831 --> 00:15:56,585 Your family, Hal. And their constant demands. 346 00:15:56,668 --> 00:15:58,044 I love my family. 347 00:15:58,128 --> 00:16:01,673 They're termites nibbling away at your happiness. 348 00:16:02,382 --> 00:16:05,719 Stop the nibbling, Hal. They've got to go. 349 00:16:05,969 --> 00:16:07,471 Go where? 350 00:16:09,681 --> 00:16:14,019 [gasps] You want me to kill them? 351 00:16:14,102 --> 00:16:16,146 New ideas can be challenging. 352 00:16:16,396 --> 00:16:18,482 And there's no growth without pain. 353 00:16:19,524 --> 00:16:23,737 But it doesn't have to be you feeling that pain. 354 00:16:24,571 --> 00:16:29,826 Oh, my God. You're not Perfect Hal. 355 00:16:30,118 --> 00:16:34,498 I was just dazzled by your socks. You're Evil Hal. 356 00:16:34,623 --> 00:16:36,416 [both grunt] 357 00:16:36,541 --> 00:16:41,129 You're nothing but a gorgeous monster! [grunts] 358 00:16:42,172 --> 00:16:45,467 -[grunts] -You're being ridiculous, Hal. 359 00:16:45,675 --> 00:16:46,843 [skittle crash echoes] 360 00:16:47,761 --> 00:16:49,888 -[grunts] -You can't beat me! 361 00:16:50,013 --> 00:16:51,223 -[typewriter dings] -[Evil Hal grunts] 362 00:16:51,306 --> 00:16:52,974 -[cat clock meows] -[Hal grunts] 363 00:16:53,683 --> 00:16:55,268 [Hal groans] 364 00:16:57,729 --> 00:16:58,855 Hmm. 365 00:17:01,399 --> 00:17:04,361 -[Evil Hal whispers] Bang. -[groans] 366 00:17:04,444 --> 00:17:08,281 [Evil Hal whistles] 367 00:17:08,823 --> 00:17:12,619 [Hal pants] 368 00:17:16,748 --> 00:17:17,874 [♪ music pauses] 369 00:17:19,668 --> 00:17:22,337 -[♪ music resumes] -[groans, wheezes] 370 00:17:22,420 --> 00:17:23,505 [♪ music concludes] 371 00:17:23,630 --> 00:17:27,342 You need to grow up, Hal. 372 00:17:28,635 --> 00:17:31,388 You spent your entire life pretending I didn't exist 373 00:17:31,471 --> 00:17:33,682 because you knew this would happen. 374 00:17:34,182 --> 00:17:36,560 So, what do you want to do first? 375 00:17:36,851 --> 00:17:38,436 I think we start small. 376 00:17:38,728 --> 00:17:41,940 Do the "success builds on success" thing. 377 00:17:43,358 --> 00:17:44,859 And how about the look? 378 00:17:45,819 --> 00:17:48,613 Let's go with darker colors, huh? 379 00:17:51,199 --> 00:17:54,327 -I love you. -What? 380 00:17:55,579 --> 00:17:56,621 [chuckles softly] 381 00:17:59,583 --> 00:18:00,750 I love you. 382 00:18:01,835 --> 00:18:02,961 [scoffs] 383 00:18:04,796 --> 00:18:08,675 -You're terrified of me. -No, I'm not. 384 00:18:09,509 --> 00:18:12,345 Well, there's nothing scary about you. 385 00:18:13,597 --> 00:18:16,391 I don't blame Fear. He was trying his best, but... 386 00:18:16,975 --> 00:18:19,686 hiding you away from me just made you seem 387 00:18:20,562 --> 00:18:21,855 more powerful than you are. 388 00:18:21,980 --> 00:18:23,732 [voice pitch rising] I am powerful! 389 00:18:24,190 --> 00:18:29,112 No, you're needy and insubstantial, and-- 390 00:18:29,446 --> 00:18:31,656 -Well, delicate. -[pitch rises higher] Stop this! 391 00:18:31,740 --> 00:18:35,285 One tiny little tile of the mosaic of me. 392 00:18:35,785 --> 00:18:38,747 Oh, I have hundreds of different little Hals 393 00:18:38,872 --> 00:18:40,498 inside me telling me things. 394 00:18:41,541 --> 00:18:43,877 That's why I'm so easily confused. 395 00:18:44,002 --> 00:18:45,170 [Evil Hal in squeaky voice] No! No! 396 00:18:45,253 --> 00:18:46,921 -You'll be okay. -[Evil Hal] No! 397 00:18:47,047 --> 00:18:48,632 You'll have lots of little friends. 398 00:18:49,007 --> 00:18:51,343 -[Evil Hal screams] No! -Oh, there, there. 399 00:18:51,635 --> 00:18:53,803 I got you, buddy. Here. 400 00:18:55,972 --> 00:18:57,349 [Manjushri] Congratulations, Hal. 401 00:18:57,432 --> 00:18:58,433 Ooh! 402 00:18:58,558 --> 00:19:01,895 You vanquished the inner demon and cast off false duality. 403 00:19:02,020 --> 00:19:03,188 Well done. 404 00:19:03,605 --> 00:19:06,066 Bodhisattva Manjushri Kamarabhuta? 405 00:19:06,650 --> 00:19:08,610 [clicks tongue] Call me Arapachana. 406 00:19:09,694 --> 00:19:13,239 How would I know who you are? I wouldn't know that. 407 00:19:13,365 --> 00:19:16,368 It's the collective unconscious. Jung has a-- 408 00:19:16,701 --> 00:19:17,869 It's boring, don't worry about it. 409 00:19:18,495 --> 00:19:20,580 What's important is that you are now worthy 410 00:19:20,664 --> 00:19:22,123 of meeting your animal partner. 411 00:19:22,207 --> 00:19:25,585 They will be your guide, your mentor, and your guardian. 412 00:19:25,669 --> 00:19:28,171 Where? [shrieks] 413 00:19:28,338 --> 00:19:30,799 -[squeaks] -What is that? 414 00:19:30,882 --> 00:19:33,301 [squeaks] 415 00:19:33,385 --> 00:19:35,970 Can't I get a wolf or a panther? 416 00:19:36,054 --> 00:19:38,014 No one chooses their animal partner. 417 00:19:38,264 --> 00:19:39,391 It chooses you. 418 00:19:39,557 --> 00:19:41,309 I mean, I have a 12-foot blue lion, 419 00:19:41,434 --> 00:19:42,602 but they're all great. 420 00:19:44,896 --> 00:19:46,314 It's leading you somewhere. 421 00:19:47,357 --> 00:19:49,025 -But... -Hey, I'm not making you 422 00:19:49,109 --> 00:19:51,361 do the mantras or contemplate the five skandhas. 423 00:19:51,528 --> 00:19:54,322 I'm not making you achieve an inconceivable state 424 00:19:54,406 --> 00:19:55,782 without obstruction or form. 425 00:19:55,865 --> 00:19:57,075 We're cutting a lot of corners here, 426 00:19:57,158 --> 00:19:58,952 so just follow the rat. 427 00:19:59,661 --> 00:20:01,830 -[♪ playful instrumental music playing] -[rat squeals] 428 00:20:01,913 --> 00:20:03,498 [Hal pants] 429 00:20:08,211 --> 00:20:13,508 -[rat squeals] -[pants] 430 00:20:15,301 --> 00:20:16,511 Rat friend? 431 00:20:18,263 --> 00:20:19,472 [♪ music concludes] 432 00:20:43,913 --> 00:20:49,252 [♪ whimsical instrumental music playing] 433 00:20:55,008 --> 00:20:59,804 -[gasps, chuckles] -[♪ music continues] 434 00:21:01,556 --> 00:21:02,682 [gasps] 435 00:21:06,936 --> 00:21:08,980 [gasps, chuckles] 436 00:21:11,191 --> 00:21:16,905 That's it! That's it! I get it! 437 00:21:18,114 --> 00:21:20,867 [shouts] Yes! 438 00:21:20,950 --> 00:21:22,160 [♪ music concludes] 439 00:21:22,243 --> 00:21:25,205 Okay, each of you, tell me again what you're doing tomorrow. 440 00:21:25,330 --> 00:21:27,457 Mom, come on, it's late. We're tired. 441 00:21:27,540 --> 00:21:29,834 We've gone over it. We know what our jobs are. 442 00:21:29,918 --> 00:21:31,961 Stop treating us like half-witted toddlers. 443 00:21:32,045 --> 00:21:33,379 This isn't about you doing your jobs. 444 00:21:33,463 --> 00:21:35,757 This is about managing my anxiety. 445 00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:37,342 I can't find your father, 446 00:21:37,425 --> 00:21:40,470 and they sent me pillar candles instead of taper candles, 447 00:21:40,553 --> 00:21:43,097 so now I have to shave them into the proper shape, 448 00:21:43,223 --> 00:21:45,975 and wax is not a forgiving medium. 449 00:21:46,184 --> 00:21:49,062 I mean, look at this. That's too tapered! 450 00:21:49,896 --> 00:21:53,107 Obviously, I am losing it, so please, let's just do this, 451 00:21:53,191 --> 00:21:54,818 and then you can go to sleep. Kelly. 452 00:21:55,276 --> 00:21:57,695 Blow up balloons, then make sure the tables are completely set 453 00:21:57,821 --> 00:21:59,322 before I put out the favor bags. 454 00:21:59,405 --> 00:22:00,406 -Piama. -Check the rentals 455 00:22:00,490 --> 00:22:02,367 against your list. Verify there are no scratches 456 00:22:02,450 --> 00:22:04,828 or dents before I give those crooks one red cent. 457 00:22:04,953 --> 00:22:06,621 -Francis. -Make sure all 50 parking spaces 458 00:22:06,704 --> 00:22:08,748 are clear. Set up a separate supply area 459 00:22:08,832 --> 00:22:10,959 and signage for your signature cocktails, 460 00:22:11,125 --> 00:22:13,169 the Fuzzy Lois and the Halgarita. 461 00:22:13,294 --> 00:22:15,922 -I'll keep working on the names. -Thank you! 462 00:22:16,923 --> 00:22:18,424 [Kelly] Halgarita, really? 463 00:22:20,593 --> 00:22:22,679 -Hello. -[Leah] Hi, Grandma. It's Leah. 464 00:22:22,804 --> 00:22:23,972 I've got great news. 465 00:22:24,138 --> 00:22:25,557 We're coming to your party after all. 466 00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:27,767 Dad just changed his mind out of the blue. 467 00:22:27,892 --> 00:22:30,520 -See you there. -[groans] Please slow down. 468 00:22:30,895 --> 00:22:32,689 I promise I won't try to jump out again. 469 00:22:32,814 --> 00:22:35,316 It's eleven more hours to Grandma and Grandpa's. 470 00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:36,860 -We're not slowing down. -[groans] 471 00:22:36,943 --> 00:22:38,403 Oh, move a little that way. 472 00:22:38,486 --> 00:22:39,863 You're gonna get blood on my dress. 473 00:22:40,029 --> 00:22:42,115 That dress is a really good color for you. 474 00:22:42,198 --> 00:22:44,617 Thank you. And you're gonna look amazing 475 00:22:44,701 --> 00:22:46,828 in your outfit, like a hot 18-year-old. 476 00:22:46,911 --> 00:22:49,497 -[both chuckle] -This is insanity! 477 00:22:49,664 --> 00:22:51,833 You've committed an actual kidnapping! 478 00:22:52,458 --> 00:22:54,210 Does this mean we're back together? 479 00:22:54,669 --> 00:22:56,921 This is an intervention. 480 00:22:57,005 --> 00:22:58,381 You're addicted to being an idiot 481 00:22:58,464 --> 00:22:59,799 and we are helping you. 482 00:23:00,174 --> 00:23:01,593 You can't spend the rest of your life 483 00:23:01,676 --> 00:23:05,054 lying and hiding and denying your family even exists. 484 00:23:05,138 --> 00:23:06,556 It worked perfectly until they showed up. 485 00:23:06,639 --> 00:23:09,517 But Dad, stop. Please, stop. 486 00:23:09,601 --> 00:23:12,103 You're not protecting me from your family drama. 487 00:23:12,353 --> 00:23:14,022 You're the one keeping it going. 488 00:23:14,105 --> 00:23:17,025 I'm trying to be a good father. I don't know... 489 00:23:17,984 --> 00:23:21,279 If I should know something and you keep it a secret, 490 00:23:21,738 --> 00:23:25,283 you aren't saving me, you're stealing from me. 491 00:23:25,700 --> 00:23:30,204 My choice, my self-respect, my trust in you. 492 00:23:30,747 --> 00:23:32,874 Daddy, I need all of those things. 493 00:23:32,999 --> 00:23:35,627 [♪ pop song playing over radio] 494 00:23:35,752 --> 00:23:40,506 Oh, my God. You're right. You're completely right. 495 00:23:41,132 --> 00:23:43,051 I am so sorry. 496 00:23:44,594 --> 00:23:45,970 I should have told you.. 497 00:23:47,555 --> 00:23:49,807 All this secrecy is just so toxic. 498 00:23:50,141 --> 00:23:54,437 [♪ song continues] 499 00:23:55,063 --> 00:23:57,398 Twelve years ago, I was arrested for attempted murder. 500 00:23:57,941 --> 00:23:59,817 -Whoa! -Y... You what? 501 00:23:59,943 --> 00:24:02,153 I didn't think it was important to tell you 502 00:24:02,236 --> 00:24:03,446 until we were serious, 503 00:24:03,529 --> 00:24:05,031 and then with your whole political thing, 504 00:24:05,156 --> 00:24:06,950 I just didn't know how to bring it up. 505 00:24:07,492 --> 00:24:10,495 And it wasn't even murder. I mean, I totally got off. 506 00:24:10,578 --> 00:24:13,706 You tried to murder someone? [gasps] 507 00:24:13,957 --> 00:24:15,500 My mom was dating this guy 508 00:24:15,583 --> 00:24:18,294 and one time he beat her up, and I got him arrested. 509 00:24:18,836 --> 00:24:22,173 But all of his buddies were cops and he got out the next morning. 510 00:24:22,256 --> 00:24:25,301 He came straight to my apartment and kicked my door in, 511 00:24:25,385 --> 00:24:27,595 -and I shot him. -You know how to shoot people? 512 00:24:27,679 --> 00:24:29,555 -[Malcolm pants] -Obviously! 513 00:24:30,556 --> 00:24:32,642 When the cops came, Jenna, my roommate, 514 00:24:32,725 --> 00:24:34,310 told them what happened, but all of his buddies 515 00:24:34,394 --> 00:24:36,229 believed him, and I got arrested. 516 00:24:36,354 --> 00:24:37,897 -[scoffs] Cops. -Yeah. 517 00:24:38,064 --> 00:24:39,357 Yeah. It took a couple of weeks 518 00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:40,650 for everyone to figure out the truth 519 00:24:40,733 --> 00:24:41,985 and dismiss the charges. 520 00:24:42,110 --> 00:24:43,695 And by the way, it took me a lot of work 521 00:24:43,820 --> 00:24:45,321 to finally get my arrest record sealed. 522 00:24:45,446 --> 00:24:46,656 Okay. [exhales] 523 00:24:47,949 --> 00:24:49,575 But it did get in some newspapers. 524 00:24:50,451 --> 00:24:52,078 And all over the internet. 525 00:24:53,246 --> 00:24:56,874 Because I was naked when I shot him. In the balls. 526 00:24:58,376 --> 00:25:01,045 You cannot lose this woman. 527 00:25:01,879 --> 00:25:04,674 Wait. I remember. 528 00:25:05,883 --> 00:25:09,512 -You're "Titty-Titty-Bang-Bang"? -[chuckles] 529 00:25:10,304 --> 00:25:13,307 [♪ upbeat music playing] 530 00:25:14,559 --> 00:25:17,603 -[gasps] -Drugs? Drugs? 531 00:25:17,687 --> 00:25:21,858 -The party is tonight! -Honey, I have great news! 532 00:25:21,983 --> 00:25:24,027 -Get in the car! -[Hal grunts] 533 00:25:25,570 --> 00:25:28,114 If it's not one damn thing it's another. 534 00:25:31,701 --> 00:25:34,287 You are not going to beat me! 535 00:25:34,704 --> 00:25:36,706 I had the most amazing breakthrough. 536 00:25:36,789 --> 00:25:39,042 -Not now. Carl, you still there? -[Carl] Yeah. 537 00:25:39,167 --> 00:25:40,835 You delivered the wrong projector. 538 00:25:41,002 --> 00:25:45,048 I specifically asked for 4K at 2700 lumens. 539 00:25:45,173 --> 00:25:47,216 You sent 2000 lumens at 1080p. 540 00:25:47,300 --> 00:25:48,468 [Carl] What the hell are you talking about? 541 00:25:48,551 --> 00:25:51,220 I figured it out. No one realizes it, 542 00:25:51,304 --> 00:25:53,973 but I'm their birthday cake. 543 00:25:54,057 --> 00:25:56,726 Everyone can take slices of happiness from me 544 00:25:56,809 --> 00:25:59,896 whenever they want. And I never run out of slices. 545 00:26:00,146 --> 00:26:03,441 That's who I am. I'm an inexhaustible cake. 546 00:26:03,524 --> 00:26:05,151 -You're not a cake. Carl? -[Carl] Yep? 547 00:26:05,234 --> 00:26:09,906 Here it is. Contract. Page 2, item 10 63. 548 00:26:10,073 --> 00:26:11,949 I want the right projector, Carl. 549 00:26:12,033 --> 00:26:13,743 Honey, are you worried about that herd of buffalo 550 00:26:13,826 --> 00:26:15,244 -coming up on your left? -[Lois] Sweetheart, please. 551 00:26:15,328 --> 00:26:17,580 -I'm busy. -Okay, but they look kind of peevish. 552 00:26:22,502 --> 00:26:24,545 [driver] I'm sorry. Are you guys all right? 553 00:26:24,879 --> 00:26:27,673 [Hal bellows like a buffalo] 554 00:26:28,216 --> 00:26:30,760 Don't worry, honey, I'm establishing dominance. 555 00:26:33,262 --> 00:26:34,305 Honey? 556 00:26:34,430 --> 00:26:36,224 [♪ rock music playing, They Might Be Giants "Boss Of Me"] 557 00:26:36,307 --> 00:26:38,142 ♪ Yeah, no, maybe ♪ 558 00:26:38,601 --> 00:26:40,645 ♪ I don't know ♪ 559 00:26:40,770 --> 00:26:43,731 ♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪ 560 00:26:43,856 --> 00:26:46,109 ♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪ 561 00:26:46,192 --> 00:26:48,444 ♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪ 562 00:26:48,528 --> 00:26:50,238 ♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪ 563 00:26:50,363 --> 00:26:53,241 ♪ And you're not so big ♪ 564 00:26:53,366 --> 00:26:54,575 [♪ music concludes] 565 00:26:57,370 --> 00:26:58,371 [male voice] Yeah.